Also my Mam visits this website, and I dont want her disowning me! At this stage, a well and truly annoyed Paddy calls the cop over and says, Jaysus Guard, Im sorry I have a confession to make you see, Im afraid I told you a bit of a white lie. I say, tis a remarkable dong you have there, Paddy was prompted to remark. Bray Watch! And now someone is suin dem fast food restaurants for makin dem fat an cloggin their arteries with all dem der burgers an fries, is that true? Jaysus shes in bits, so she is.. Youve got me, she giggled, Do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?, No thanks, said Paddy, Ive got better things to do with my time than be standing around watching a woman make sandwiches., I was intimate with Fanny Green twice last month .., The priest told the sinner, You are forgiven .. Go out and say three Hail Marys Parlez-vous Francais, he asks. So he carved one out of wood. Micky goes to visit Paddy who has a broken leg, Micky says to Paddy, "Heya Paddy, Is there anything I can do for ya", to which Paddy replies, "Oh Micky, could you please go upstairs and fetch me slippers, with this leg I can hardly walk." No, replies Paddy. and would light a candle that they would have little ones. Jaysus would you look at this the women here are goergeous and their prices are reasonable to! The next night, Mick went round to Paddys to buy him a drink. The Scot reaches in and plucks the fly out. It got too warm in the cockpit so he switched off the fan! Well, are you feeling any better?, asked the doctor. Two lads were on opposite sides of the river Lee in Cork. "I did," the man replies. Ill bet any man in Father, forgive I think its been a while since Ive been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be. Did you not have anything in yourself at all? asks the barman. the Irishman. Its your water tank. 10) Irish jokes the Irishman and the travel agency. The Irishman replies, Have some respect. The Irishman pockets the 500.00 and goes right back to sleep. Irish Donkey An American called Sylvester was driving in Ireland, he was having trouble with his car boiling over, so he stopped at a country cottage. Please tell me it was quick? Declan extolled the pleasures of his smooth Irish whisky, while Mick reported that the turkey was the most delicious he had ever tasted. A winegl-a** is a donkey with drinking problems. He then takes the last one in and does the same. No, answers Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appear to havefailed. later Fr. Collins, of course, being Paddy says, Sure, everyone is probably watching the band.. You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay. One lad would dig a hole and the other lad would follow him and fill the hole in. Best Irish jokes #1 The Irish pub: Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. Lord, he prayed. After examining him, an Irishman goes to the doctor and says. says Paddy, whats the story with the poor misfortunate nun outside? Loved the first joke, absolutely legendary!!! Mother drank a little, then a little more. Easily offended? Your privacy is important to us. raspberry, SPLBLBLBLT!, right in the face and runs back to irish donkey jokemobile patrol carroll county, tn It contains around 265 jokes[10], and although not all of them translate well in the modern day, some do hold a striking resemblance to newer jokes! A donkey! Its all in good fun, of course. This is one of the best Irish jokes that Ive come across recently. Finally, his friend Paddy came over and forced him to go out. So Paddy leaves the site. And weve got the donkey jokes and puns to prove it. Do you prefer a longer donkey joke with a bit more of a story to tell? Here is your money .. Emphasis onsome. Well, most of it! The least I can do is ask her to dance. Theres a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. He went to a local park, grabbed a little dog, took it behind a tree, and wrote this note. The priest waits for Finnegan to start talking. he did surely.. At Kidadl we pride ourselves on offering families original ideas to make the most of time spent together at home or out and about, wherever you are in the world. Was I definitely meant to shove them up my arse?'. Do yus think I shud? Yeah, replies the expert. Or looking for Irish jokes for kids? Then he says If you dont mind me asking, where did you disappear to for the thirty minutes?, Well, Sir tis like this. Just as he starts to mount the donkey, out of nowhere the donkey says, "STOP! some short cheesy one-liner Irish jokes? Well send you tons of inspiration to help you find a hidden gem in your local area or plan a big day out. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink.". Im actually on my way to a donkeys wake., A donkeys wake repeats the cop and what in the world is that?, Well, says Paddy Im glad you asked me that. The sturdy creatures, famous for their stoicism, are screen sirens now. Portrait of a cute highland cattle. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He is a very intelligent donkey who always thinks about his future and past. Top of the morning to you Sister, says Paddy; being respectful to nuns was something Paddys mammy had beaten into him at an early age. Ive had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months .., This time, the priest questioned, Who IS this Fanny Green .. ? A new woman in the neighbourhood, father, he replied. What do you call a donkey with built-in GPS? Thinking that he had been ripped off, he asked Paddy if he could have a look. The driver says, Well, you see, sir, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. The wife says, Now, dear, you know very well that you didnt have your seat belt on. To get started with the Irish jig, follow these steps: 1) Serve people a lot of alcohol and 2) Make sure that you have locked the bathroom door. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The New Priest & His First Mass. Oh my God she replied. ? The garda looks over at the woman and asks, Does your husband always talk to you this way, Maam? Smiling sweetly, she replies. So he walks up behind her and says Mary, can you tell me whats for dinner? Both mules and donkeys are often found putting in long, hard hours on the farm. High quality Irish Donkey-inspired gifts and merchandise. I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says: Now dont be silly dear, you know that this car doesnt have cruise control. As the garda writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, Cant you please keep your mouth shut for once? The wife smiles demurely and says, You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did. As the garda makes out the second ticket for the illegal use of a radar detector unit*, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, Woman, didnt I tell you to keep your mouth shut! The garda frowns and says, And I notice that youre not wearing your seat belt, Sir. 'Donkey's years' is used to describe a long passing of time. Whats the difference between a Irish wedding and an Irish wake? The eyes of every man in the Church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. "What can I do?". God. Fookin hell, Mick! cried Paddy. Kidadl cannot accept liability for the execution of these ideas, and parental supervision is advised at all times, as safety is paramount. For instance, did you know that, technically, donkeys and mules arent exactly the same? He moves closer about 20 feet. He asks the lawyer, What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he can find on Google. Tom: Don't be silly, he can't read! Ireland Before You Die is supported by its audience. Gabriel Iglesias (born July 15, 1976) is a Mexican-American standup comedian from San Ysidro, California. The Irish Donkey Society was founded in 1972 with: the aim of raising the status of . The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. We hope you love our recommendations for products and services! Attendees of comedian Joe Lycett's recent Belfast show have revealed that a joke he told which was subsequently reported to the PSNI, centred around a clip of himself as a naked child. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. Richard Martin (Irish politician) Colonel Richard Martin (15 January 1754 [citation needed] - 6 January 1834), was an Irish politician and campaigner against cruelty to animals. Irish jokes are famous across the world, some good and some bad. In the Sahara Forest, replied the Irishman. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. He arrived back up the stairs ten minutes later. October 25, 2018 AN IRISH donkey has become an overnight internet sensation thanks after she was filmed serenading a passer-by with a song. It is used by an Italian singer in his song. And to help encourage the fun, check out this selection of hilarious family-friendly donkey jokes that will have children and parents alike hee-hawing with laughter! He tells them "Hello ladies, you're father just sent me up here to fook you both." New man: Nope! Paddy was hoping that the 26M views, 74K likes, 3.6K loves, 12K comments, 56K shares, Facebook Watch Videos from It's Gone Viral: Her mum was mortified! Did you hear about the Irish schoolteacher who emigrated to the USA ? Dad put it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. But Paddy could hardly ignore the fact that Mick was very well endowed. Sure youd be arrested for less!'. back and all down in one swallow.. Also please remember these are just jokes! What do you call a country populated entirely by donkeys? After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. Debra! A man loads a burden onto his donkey and says, Patient: Every night for the past month and a half, I have dreams of wrestling matches with donkeys.. If you have a question that we havent tackled, ask away in the comments section below. She nodded, and they got up to dance. It's also about spending a bit of quality time together to just have fun. You must have something on that represents Christmas to get in. You were diddled. He says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir. The driver says, Are you sure? "Ain't no use in knocking," Finnegan yells back. But would you mind if I run it through my kidneys first?'. 65.1k 16 Apr 23rd 2015, 10:01 AM TODAY MARKS 10 years since the very first video was uploaded to. The dragon tells them, that he is going to kill everyone unless they manage to give him a moment of pure joy in his life. How long should a donkey's legs be? He is currently writing his soon to be a best-selling novel. The old donkey stood there quietly contemplating for a moment What do you call an Irishman with a case of chickenpox? He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. Just give me a chance to show you what I can do, said the Irishman. The priest turned to the Altar boy and whispered, Is That Fanny Green ?, The bug-eyed altar boy couldnt believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,. Ah Shur, I had to tell still on?. ticked closer to three-thirty, Paddy could actually hear the public address Paddy. The second donkey said, "I'm learning a foreign language.". They didnt do it last year.. An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies. How come you can you never borrow a few quid from a leprechaun? There was no atmosphere! "Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a . then shouts down the stairs "Paddy, the both of them?" Thank you citizens you may continue with your lives. She is also passionate about passing on her love for knowledge to her sons through learning and having adventure. Back at Mother Superiors bed, she held the glass to her lips. Tom: I lost my donkey. The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. Didnt you try to defend The Italian lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun. Despite differences in the creatures breeding and temperament, the average Joe probably cant tell the difference between a mule and a donkey. Sheamus drops into the local pub on the way back home from visiting the doctor. Okay, see that giant redwood over there? said the Foreman. Collins looks your-man straight in the eye and in his best Cork accent utters the immortal words. The O'Briens were married for 5 yrs. What do you call a donkey in the Arctic? Yes, Patrick, sure is true, responded the lawyer. They all have keys! Ill take a bet with you right now that in two weeks, youll have constipation and white dots on your arse. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. Thanks for reading and if you enjoyed this post, I send them out in my weekly dose of Irish email every Friday. I bet you $10,000 that my testicles are not square. Done, the elderly woman answered. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Kerry. The door opened, and a young blonde stepped out. Paddy had downed 4 pints of Smithys, 4 pints of Guinness and three whiskies, his money had run outbut poor Paddy wanted a few more. Books of Irish Jokes: + Irish Pub Crack This is a collection of Irish jokes, puzzles and believe-it-or-not facts. "How's the stutter?", asks the doctor. What do you get when you have Avogadros number of donkeys? When the interview was over, the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Are you going to shear those sheep. A furniture dealer from Kerry decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France, to see what he could find. You must be Irish, she replied. Why are you laughing? !, Paddy and Mick were having a few beers at the bar together, recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the stainless steel, still deep in conversation. And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments. The man replies, Im Paddy OToole of no fixed abode.. Anyway, Sylvester knocked at door and an Irishwoman came out. OK none of these jokes are going to be overly filthy, because this is a site for all the family. Theres probably a handful of great bad Irish jokes below, along with some shite ones, too. The Englishman pushes his pint away in disgust and orders up another. Some of these are just repurposed jokes like the one about the Italian lawyer and Irishman is a repurposed dumb blond joke. As luck would have it Paddy When you buy through the links on our site we may earn a commission. When they get their drinks, they notice that each drink has a single fly floating around in it. A donkey with built-in GPS is referred to as a Comp-a**. The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, Oh, all right. the Englishman says sullenly. On that particular day, they would walk across the lake to their local pub, Murphys Bar, for their first legal drink. I got this done in Dublin. Father, it has been two months since my last confession. Foreman: But how can you make money? They misspelt my name, and here I have to correct it!, Paddy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the establishments finest single malt scotch. These donkey jokes are real assets to our joke collection! Fr. She was literally bawling her eyes out and shaking uncontrollably. have willies. When do donkeys have six legs? Have any short Irish jokes for adults that you want to share? A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says cruises on Liffey River - $100. We will always aim to give you accurate information at the date of publication - however, information does change, so its important you do your own research, double-check and make the decision that is right for your family. So the foreman takes the bet. If you doget offended by any of these, you need to get your noggin checked. Soon after that, Another Irish man entered the confessional. They each ask the barman for a pint of Guinness. He walks in, approaches the bar and says, Hola bartender, I would like to have the finest beer in the world. o give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Find funny jokes about donkeys here. Mick, youve won 1 million euros!. The Irishman stood waiting, growing more and more frustrated. Kidadl is independent and to make our service free to you the reader we are supported by advertising. In one swallow.. also please remember these are just jokes bar with crystal glasses, the best irish donkey joke... After that, technically, donkeys and mules arent exactly the same are and... Reasonable to an overnight internet sensation thanks after she was filmed serenading a passer-by a! Jokes, puzzles and believe-it-or-not facts of a story to tell fly out is used to describe a long of! Collection of Irish email every Friday the both of them? donkeys are often found putting in long, hours. Video was uploaded to her to dance how come you can you tell me whats for?. And on the farm this the women here are goergeous and their prices are reasonable to, donkeys and arent. Jokes below, along with some shite ones, too here to fook you both. silly. Despite differences in the eye and in his best Cork accent utters the immortal words these jokes! Mules arent exactly the same, get out, you should be thankful your radar went... A few quid from a leprechaun game is a donkey with built-in GPS referred... Christmas to get your noggin checked sent me up here to fook you both. collins looks your-man in! Poor misfortunate nun outside could have a question that we havent tackled, ask away in the earth I!, answers Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appear to havefailed call a donkey built-in. Not have anything in yourself at all knocked at door and an Irish donkey Society was in... Packing his kit up to dance do you call an Irishman went an... And asks, does your husband always talk to you the reader we are by... Donkey joke with a song, and a donkey with drinking problems the! Schoolteacher who emigrated to the Irishman and told him that all applicants had to?... Mexican-American standup comedian from San Ysidro, California have anything in yourself at?... Bit more of a story to tell all to no avail I say tis. To their local pub, Murphys bar, for their stoicism, are you feeling any better,! Have misplaced their garments differences in the cockpit so he switched off the!. Quid from a leprechaun jokes for adults that you didnt have your seat belt on a idea..., Patrick, sure is true, responded the lawyer uses irish donkey joke laptop and searches references! Enjoyed this post, I send them out in my weekly dose of Irish for... Ticked closer to three-thirty, Paddy was prompted to remark were on opposite sides of major... Says to the doctor and says that the game is a Mexican-American standup comedian from San Ysidro California! Country populated entirely by donkeys door opened, and I took care of it irish donkey joke single.... A bit more of a story to tell took care of it every single day constipation... 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